Yalom writes in ‘Love’s Executioner’: “At the core of human existence is a continual conflict between the wish to continue to exist and the awareness of inevitable death.” [1]
From the moment a person comes into the world, they develop different mechanisms to cope with this fear of death, which they inevitably know. Some believe in a world after death, some think they are special, and some cling tightly to the belief that by leaving lasting works in the world they will become immortal. As Yalom writes, “Believing that we are special provides an inner sense of security while the other important mechanism for denying death – belief in an ultimate rescuer – allows us to feel constantly watched over and protected by an external force.” [2]
This belief helps keep us alive, distances us from the reality of inevitable death, or at least helps us cope with it. Most people bring other little humans into the world from their own genes with the purpose of perpetuating their lineage, and in the process of raising them, they distance themselves from this inevitable reality of death.
Some buy houses, some invest, some establish universities and name them, some establish foundations for charity and name them, some create large corporations, and try to distance themselves from the reality of inevitable death.
Dale Carnegie touches on this part in his world-famous book, outlining the fundamental principles of human relationships and communication, saying the nicest address to a person is by their name. Carnegie devotes a separate chapter to this topic in his book. [3] The issue of addressing a person by their name is again related to being special and it pleases people because it helps deny the thought of death.
Feeling special not only helps cope with the sense of death but also serves every human’s need for approval and social confirmation. Every person wants to be liked, approved by their social circle, and desired by those they are sexually attracted to. For the satisfaction of this, people can invest in their bodies, strive to gain money and power, or focus on developing their intellectual capacities. The main goal here is to arouse a sense of desire in the opposite sex according to sexual preference, to experience the pleasure of being chosen, and as a result, to experience the feeling of being special. The idea of feeling special can create a kind of God complex in a person because now for that person who makes them feel special, they see themselves in a sort of God-like status, and this situation reinforces the idea of feeling special. At this point, the satisfaction of desires and the emotions created by the feeling of being special give the person a sense of privilege to distance from the inevitable end of existence.
Regarding desires, the German philosopher Schopenhauer says in ‘The World as Will and Representation’ that human desires are the foundation of suffering. According to Schopenhauer, the world is a place full of pain because it is a process that ends with death and humans suffer because of their desires. The non-fulfillment of desires causes humans to suffer, and humans seek the fulfillment of this desire. Obtaining what one desires does not lead to absolute escape from pain. Because once a person obtains what they desire, they only experience a short-lived sense of satisfaction and the desire for it disappears. Schopenhauer suggests three things to escape this infinite cycle: The first is for a person to rid themselves of all desires with their own discipline and will (Asceticism), in the stage called Nirvana in Buddhist teachings, a person tries to free themselves from absolute pain by distancing themselves from all worldly desires. Secondly, Schopenhauer talks about compassion reducing suffering. In this method, the famous German philosopher says that approaching oneself, nature, and others with compassion can help alleviate absolute pain. The third path Schopenhauer suggests for escaping absolute pain is Art and Aesthetics. When a person focuses on a work of art, they drift away from consciousness and focus on a different world, freeing themselves from the influence of desires within. According to Schopenhauer, there are five forms of art that can free a person from pain: painting, music, sculpture, architecture, and poetry. [4]
If desires are the source of pain and death is an inevitable reality, let’s take a look at death, the absolute end of the life process.
Death and Separation
Death is defined in the dictionary as the end of life when a person’s vital functions cease. Death is an end, a completion of a process which, from this perspective, means that every death is a separation. And every separation is a kind of death.
Some deaths are sudden, some are expected even if not accepted. A person can die from illness, accident, their own choice, or other various reasons. Just as a relationship can end for many other reasons. In fact, every relationship, regardless of the duration of the relationship and the depth of the connection established, is a process doomed to end in separation in the face of the reality of death.
When a person dies or breaks up, they only physically depart from others’ lives. When that person leaves, they continue to live in the thoughts and memories of others. A person truly dies when there is no longer anyone to think of them.
Is Death the Worst?
Being abandoned is the most painful form of death. There are pains so severe that sometimes a person may prefer the physical departure (death) of the one who left. Because in abandonment, not only does the person’s defense mechanism of feeling special get wounded, but also their self-esteem and identity are damaged. Moreover, when a person dies, the possibility of physically relating to them is gone, whereas in some separations, you may see that person every day, witness them in a relationship with someone else, or experience them looking at you with unfamiliar, cold eyes. This situation can hurt you more than a normal death, dying in the eyes of a living person is one of the most painful experiences in the world.
People are likely to experience this at some point in their lives and develop various defense mechanisms to cope with it. For example, some people who were abandoned at a young age show a tendency to flee out of fear of dealing with the pain of being abandoned again. Some take on the responsibility of the decision to leave, doing things that would cool their partners off from their relationships so they can leave without forming a meaningful and deep connection. Some who have not received enough love from their parents in the past try to fulfill this hunger for love in their relationships, which either results in a relationship that becomes dependent or ends in abandonment. In a dependent relationship, the dependent person may do things contrary to their own insight to ensure the continuation of the relationship. They willingly take on the financial, operational, and emotional responsibilities of the relationship, even if they are not pleased with it.
When a person dies (breaks up), those who were in a relationship with them also die to some degree. Not only does their physical environment not die, but like an oak tree that dies of thirst in a drought season, its trunk can still stand upright, appearing alive from the outside, while it has actually become a lifeless entity with a rotten inside, continuing to serve as food and shelter for other living beings.
In many branches of art, the concept of death and the similar concept of separation are often explored, as in this article. Humans cannot comprehend what the experience of death is like, but they experience a semblance of that pain during separation. In the art of poetry, music, theater, cinema, painting, and many other forms of art, death is generally dealt with in dark, literary, romantic, or epic ways. As I tried to explain in my article ‘The Lack of Poetry in Death’, death may not be as literary, legendary, or poetic as described in the art of poetry, it might be a big empty space, a transition into a great darkness like not being able to wake up from sleep, quite bland and not at all artistic.
Actually, death, the absolute end of life, is not the worst thing. For a person, being ignored is worse than death. It’s dying while alive in the eyes of others. Since physical death is a big void and absolute darkness, and considering that consciousness is completely gone in physical death, the state of absolute pain mentioned by Schopenhauer disappears completely. Even as previously tried to be expressed, the dead continue to live in the memories of others, their graves are visited, they are remembered with prayers, sometimes with a tear on the temples, sometimes a memory that comes to mind in an unexpected place, sometimes as a painful smile on the faces. However, being ignored is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through in life. While your soul is writhing in the middle of the street screaming for help, you see the people you love walking by. Your calls for help are not rejected; being rejected is even better than being ignored. Your messages remain unanswered, your tears flow into yourself, and instead of a black void, you continue your life in a white meaninglessness. In separations, it may not be as bad as it seems for someone to spew hate-filled sentences at you, hate and anger are just transformed versions of emotions containing love in the face of disappointment. There is emotion even within them. But being ignored contains no emotion, it’s like proof that you are in an absolute death state in the world of a living person, and this thought stings you like a snake in your weakest moments. The more detailed the reasons for separation are explained to you at the time of separation, the longer the person wanting to separate has been thinking about it. You are listening to a decision that has long been made being communicated to you. If the separating person expresses a desire to separate from you with impulsive reactions, there may be a chance for a return to the relationship, but the longer and more detailed the reasons are, the less likely it is for the relationship to be restored.
In some break ups, the reason for the break up can be an insurmountable absolute reality (death), while in others, the absolute reality may not be known. Yes, in some break ups, some reasons for break ups may be told to you (loss of old feelings, moving to another place, etc.), but these may not always be absolute truths. Instead of absolute truths, symptoms may be told to you. The absolute reality could be finding a better alternative, the person no longer liking or desiring you, seeing you as weak, not wanting to be a part of a difficult period you are going through (job loss, illness, bankruptcy, etc.), or that a common future is not possible. There can be many reasons why the person does not tell you this; firstly, the person may not even be aware of these truths themselves. Secondly, confronting and telling the truth is not as easy as it seems, a person knowing the truth may still prefer to deny it. Thirdly, even if the person knows the truth and wants to tell it, they may hide this truth from you because they do not want you to be more upset because of the value they place on you. Here, the desire to know this truth can put a person in a barrel full of question marks and needles. The way out may be to accept the possibility of never knowing the truth. Sometimes such a situation may not even arise; the person just leaves and you may have no idea why they left.
After Death (or Break Up)
According to Kübler-Ross[5], the mourning phase that occurs after the process of death or break up fundamentally consists of five stages[6]:
- Denial: In this stage, the person tries to cope with the feeling of separation by denying it. The denial referred to here is not misunderstanding but refusing to accept. In this case, the person rejects death and separation, avoids the subject, and confusion and shock are felt as the main emotions.
- Anger: Once the reality of death or separation is accepted, the person begins to blame the things and people that caused the separation or death. The blamed things can be the person themselves, the deceased or separated person, or the events or people they think caused it. In this stage, the person experiences feelings of frustration, irritability, and anxiety.
- Bargaining: After the anger stage, the person begins to question the things that caused the separation or death and thinks about what could have been done to prevent it. Thoughts like “If I had done this, it would have happened,” or “If I had done that, it would have been different” fly around in the brain. This is the period when the words ‘if only’ and ‘if’ are used the most. The person considers making concessions on things they thought were mistakes in the separation decision, trying to reach out to the person they separated from in an attempt to escape the emotional state they are in.
- Depression: If the bargaining stage does not result in any outcome, the person enters the stage called depression. In this stage, feelings of sadness, longing, and self-pity envelop the person’s spirit. Sleep patterns may be disrupted, appetite may be lost, energy levels may decrease, and concentration difficulties may arise. During this stage, some people start to talk about their situation to others and ask for help.
- Acceptance: The person who accepts the reality of the loss in this stage continues with their life by accepting that the loss has occurred. They memorialize the experiences with the person and remember these memories with love.
(…)
As someone who has gone through all these stages, I accept without knowing the reasons for the separation.
My mistakes and regrets are permanent and are because of my humanity.
I loved your presence and participation, I miss it.
The decision is absolute, I didn’t want it to be this way and I tried to do my best. I also want to show mercy to myself now.
I am grateful for everything, I embrace the pains experienced as a reflection of love. I reluctantly accept the absolute decision of the Supreme Creator, surrendering myself to Him.
To cope, people seek many ways, some turn to alcohol, others isolate themselves, others seek some meaning in this process.
Some, in order to cope with such a painful separation, vomit their thoughts onto a blank paper, hoping it might help others. As I am doing right now.
‘In loving memory of my brother Selim Horozoğlu, who has only physically departed from us’
GA,
Dubai,
September 2023 – April 2024.
Song Recommended While Reading: Mor ve Ötesi – Melekler Ölmez
[1] Yalom, Irvin D., Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy, Basic Books, 2012, p.13.
[2] Ibid., s.15.
[3] Carnegie Dale, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Vermillon London, 2004, p.80-89.
[4] Beyter, Taner, “Schopenhauer’ın Felsefesi: Acı Çekmenin Panzehiri Olarak Sanat – Matthew Fitzgerald”, (Online) https://onculanalitikfelsefe.com/schopenhauerin-felsefesi-aci-cekmenin-panzehiri-olarak-sanat-matthew-fitzgerald/ , Last Accessed 9 April 2024.
[5] Fisher Jennifer, “5 Stages of Grief: Coping with the loss of a loved one”, Harvard Health Publishing, (Online)- https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/5-stages-of-grief-coping-with-the-loss-of-a-loved-one , Last Accessed: 11 April 2024.